The Greatest Man That Ever Lived

On March 3rd 1960, fifty eight years ago, the greatest man that ever lived was born!

He was a man of honor and integrity. He loved passionately and fiercely, without fear of being wronged. He always did the right thing. He worked hard and played hard. He took responsibility seriously. He was strong and intimidating and yet kind and gentle. He embodied such a beautiful representation of Christ for me my whole life and because of that he gave me the confidence to know that I am known and loved by God. He was simple and not a man of many words but when he did speak his words carried a weight that was powerful and meaningful.

In the last eleven years I have approached this day with sadness, joy, guilt, fear, peace, anger, and many other emotions. Today, I have finally reached the point of pure celebration. That’s what birthday’s are for, right?

I plan birthday celebrations almost monthly. I attend birthdays regularly and in the community I’m blessed to be a part of, celebration of peoples lives is a huge value we all hold near and dear. Not just at the end of their lives, but sprinkled all throughout.

So today, on my dad’s 58th birthday, I want to celebrate the man he was, the things he taught me and the things I am still learning because of who he was to me. I want to remember the wonderful times that I had with him and revel in the peace and the confidence and the joy I have in those memories. I want to talk to my daughter about the man I knew and loved and I want to tell her stories of the life we lived before she was ever born.

On the day my dad was taken from me, I was lucky enough to be able to tell him how much I loved him. I told him that he was the best dad in the whole world and that I loved him more than life itself. I had absolutely no clue what was going to happen next, but I knew in my heart those words were true and I couldn’t help but tell my hero and friend just how much I loved him. A couple weeks before that, I was sitting with him in our living room as he tearfully told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of the woman that I was growing into.

I am so incredibly thankful for those memories forever etched into my mind, especially knowing what soon followed. But even more than those memories that I have in those last couple weeks, the one I am most thankful for is one that actually happened a couple years later …

I suffered from PTSD for quite a while after he died. When I would go to sleep, I would have nightmares where I would witness a murder and then the murderer was coming after me and right before he would kill me I would wake up. When I did wake up, I was absolutely terrified, crying and I would beg God to take the nightmares away from me. I wandered around my house at night fearfully checking all of the windows and doors to make sure that the doors were locked and the blinds were all closed properly so no one could snipe me through the tiny little hole while I slept. I had crazy, unrealistic fears that were nocturnally induced and they were debilitating at times.

Because of this I found myself hoping and praying that I wouldn’t dream at all because it was just too scary and hard for me. Waking up and realizing that my dad was still dead was hard enough as it was but adding in the fear for my life on top of that was just too much for me to bear.

In all of this, eventually, I stopped dreaming altogether. Finally, the fear went away and I was able to peacefully get through the night. Around the time the PTSD went away I had one last dream though. Only this time, it wasn’t really a dream at all.

I found myself walking through a field with my dad and talking to him like I always did. I knew that he was dead and he and I were talking about how he was gone and wasn’t going to come back. We walked around for a long time and talked for what felt like hours. He told me that he loved me once again, in the same way he did a couple weeks before he died. He told me that I was going to be OK. He told me that I can do all of “this” without him and that I was stronger than I even knew. He told me that I had a lot left to do in this life and that it was almost time for me to wake up and I began to cry. He told me that he was OK and that he would be waiting for me and then he said again that I was going to need to wake up soon. I fell to the ground, balling and begged him not to go and he bent down and told me that he loved me and reminded me yet again that I was not just going to be OK but that I was going to thrive and then … I woke up. In my dark room. In my little bed. All alone. I woke up balling, crying so hard and then I begged God to let me back into my ‘dream’. I kept trying to do anything that I could to get back to my dad but he was gone. Forever this time.

I remember being so upset with both God and my dad at the time. I thought to myself how could they do this to me? I had never wished to be dead before this moment, even in everything I went through immediately following my dad’s death but in the days following that encounter, I longed to be in the afterlife with my dad and with God. It took me a really long time to believe the words that he told me that night. That I was going to be OK and that I was going to thrive. That I had a lot left to do and that I was strong.

I find myself now, years after this encounter, so thankful for so many reasons. I am so known and loved by God. My dad showed me my whole life, before and after he died. God shows me every day and he cares so deeply that I am whole and healed in every way. He knew that the last memory that I had of my dad needed to be healed and so when I was ready he brought me back to that night and he went through it all with me. He spoke truth into my situation and he helped me to let go of the things I no longer had. Even more than that, He gave me one last memory and encounter with my dad that was sweet and pure. He allowed us to meet in the spirit realm and He gave us permission to properly disconnect our hearts from each other. He allowed us to have a real goodbye.

I am brought to tears knowing just how much my Father cares for me. Allowing me to have this one last memory of my dad has shown me so much more about His heart toward me than I ever thought possible. His love is so deep. He’s fighting for my wholeness, for my peace and for my future. He redeemed my dream life and my final memory with my dad. In everything He is merciful and kind, always gentle and always allowing us the choice to participate in what He’s doing.

I want to take today to celebrate the greatest man that ever lived. I am so thankful for every memory I have of him. I celebrate a life well lived, from beginning to end and beyond. I am so proud to be his daughter. I love knowing that he is seated in Heavenly places, next to my Father, championing me and my family, praying and interceding on our behalf, knowing the end from the beginning, with Jesus, and watching as our lives unfold.

Happy Birthday Donald Lee Zahner, the greatest man that ever lived.

To Single Mom … From Single Mom … On Valentine’s.

As if every day wasn’t reminder enough that yes, you are still a parent and yes you are still single … cue all of the couples bragging on social media on Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day single moms!

So with this fun little reminder on February 14th, I have a message to the single mom who’s been doing this alone for a really long time:

You are doing a great job. I know that you feel alone, even if you say you don’t. Even if you have a great support system and a group of friends that are more like family than friends. I know that it gets old and tiring and it’s hard to keep believing God’s best for you and your kids when you’re just grinding … Every. Day.

I know that all that Valentine’s Day has meant to you, for years now, is that you have to go to Target, buy all of the stupid little Valentine’s with poisonous candy for your kids’ classmates and then “surprise” your “Valentine” (aka … your kid) with some kind of flowers/balloon/basket to say “hey, I’m your mom and I love you,” only to get nothing in return. (Well … let’s be honest, at least you do get a really sweet handmade card that makes you want to cry because it’s so stinking precious.)

You. Mom. You are a beautiful human. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be appreciated … by an adult. You are literally a super hero and your time is coming. God sees you. You are strong and powerful and you are teaching your children what it means to be a woman. Both boys and girls NEED to see it and you are doing a great job showing them. Keep going. Don’t give up. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, you are so known and loved and seen.

I also have a message to the single mom who’s experiencing her first solo Valentine’s Day this year:

Don’t be bitter. Maybe you’re not? Maybe you just now realized you are? But hear me this, bitterness is just a mask … like anger. Feel your sadness, feel your loneliness, feel all of the real feelings. Invite Holy Spirit into your process. Don’t harden your heart. Ask Him what His truth is for your specific situation? Ask Him how he sees you. Ask Him what His favorite parts of you are. Ask Him to speak life and truth into the areas that you are insecure about. I know that it seems scary. I know that you feel like you are just starting to climb this huge mountain that you don’t actually even know if you can make it to the top. But I promise, you can! And you will!

New single mom, you do not have everything it takes. That’s OK, you are not a man. You are not a dad. You will never be. It’s NOT YOUR JOB. You just be mom. You rock being mom like never before. God will take care of making sure your kids are Fathered properly. (This is something I am just now starting to learn and I’ve been doing this alone for 7 years.) Give your kids 100% of mom and don’t worry about the rest.

And lastly, to all of the single moms, no matter where you’re at in all of this:

I have some lies that I felt like God has been highlighting to me as Valentine’s has been approaching and also the truths He’s been speaking into them for both of us:

Lie: Just by being a single mom, you come off as desperate. Truth: Who cares how you come off? You are not desperate. Needing people, community and desiring a man to love you is what you were created for. There is nothing wrong with that. Embrace your need for people. That is how both you and your children will thrive. “It takes a village” no matter if you’re a single parent or not!

Lie: If you’re a single mom, you need to prove that you don’t need a man. Truth: You do need a man and wanting one isn’t wrong. You have nothing to prove. Embrace your desire for a husband, even if you don’t want one now, don’t give up on your future. Talk to God about it. Be filled with Hope and joyfully anticipate the day that you will meet your new man.

Lie: If you’re a single mom, it is your responsibility to find a husband ASAP for your children to have everything they need. Truth: Stay in your lane. Like I said before, God will make sure they have what they need. He is the ultimate parent, perfect and whole. Focus on being a good mom and woman. A husband will come in due time.

Lie: If I’m a single parent, I have to be dating. (aka: hunting a husband) Truth: Dating is completely optional. There’s no pressure. No rush. Rest in his comfort grace and peace.

Lie: Being a single mom is just something to get through. It’s survival mode and life will start again once you get remarried. Truth: Your single season is a true gift that will not only go away someday, never to come back, but it’s also a training ground for your child. Invest in yourself during this time. Make it a point to be FULLY in this season with God and your kids. I know it sounds crazy but it will be gone someday and you will miss it. Also, you are in an extremely unique position to actually show your kids first hand what it looks like to date in a healthy way. Invite them into your process. Married parents don’t get this opportunity. Take advantage.

I bless you all this Valentine’s Day and I pray that your season will be one of beautiful growth and comfort. You are so loved, today and everyday.

Love,

A single mom who gets it.

Honor Your Ex

When Victoria was about four years old we were driving down the road one day and out of no where, she asked me, “Mommy, where is my daddy?”

This is the question that I had been anticipating since the day we had finally, officially, decided to call it quits.

I spent so much time, unhealthy as I was, trying with all of my might to force our relationship to work. This was partially due to my undying desire to somehow give my daughter the opportunity to grow up in a two parent household but if I’m completely honest … it also had just as much to do with the fact that I loved her dad more than anyone in the world. We had known each other for twelve years by this time and in my mind and my heart, I was eternally committed to him. If you know me at all, you know that the fierceness of my loyalty is unlike any other. So coming to the conclusion that us being together just wasn’t an option anymore was, easily, the most difficult decision that I’ve made thus far in my life.

So when the time came and I was finally faced with the question that I had been dreading for years I found myself quickly asking The Lord for direction and then hoping that somehow I would miraculously not wind up damaging her for life. I took a deep breath and then I answered her questions, one at a time, as honest, gentle and simple as I could.

At this point he was in a pretty low place in his life so navigating her questions truthfully, while still honoring and accurately representing who her dad is at his core was of the highest importance to me. I told her that He didn’t come around because he was sick. She asked me if he was in the hospital, followed by, why not and I told her that he wasn’t quite ready to get better yet. I told her that just like I sometimes make bad choices and she sometimes makes bad choices that her dad was in a season of making bad choices too – to which she responded harshly with, “Well if he makes bad choices, then I don’t like him.”

My heart instantly broke as I had to quickly figure out my response.

I felt a little nudge to remind her how I deal with her bad choices and how much extra love all humans need when they’re in a season of making bad choices. I told her that the only way that anyone ever wants to do better is when they can feel that they’re loved and known. She seemed to grasp the idea by the end of the conversation and we were able to move on to something else pretty quickly after that.

But that’s how it all started out for me. Co-parenting that is. However, I still to this day have never officially “co-parented” in the traditional way that most ex-couples do. Every co-parenting situation is different.

I am about to make a bunch of blanket statements that you may not feel like account for your specific situation, so I do want to acknowledge that as humans, we all feel different feelings, experience interactions differently and have different priorities and values. But I do still feel that for the sake of forging a new path for our children and for the sake of teaching our kids what love really looks like, we are called to treat those who’ve maybe wronged us or hurt us better than they may deserve. If for no other reason, than simply to repeat what Jesus did for us on the cross.

I’ve had the idea for this blog on my mind for a really long time but it’s hard for me to write about, not just because it’s something that is super vulnerable for me, but also because I am not the only person that is affected by the words I type here. I don’t take that lightly. In everything I write and every interaction I have with those I love, I try so hard to make honor my highest priority.

So, if you are someone that I love or someone who is affected by the words I put here, please know my heart toward everyone involved and please give me grace and please let me know if you feel like anything I’m saying isn’t honoring. My purpose in writing this blog is to encourage and challenge the way that I’ve experienced most single parents. I have seen an overwhelming response, on my personal social media and even in conversations that I have with other moms, about the “different” thoughts that I have toward this whole season of being single and a mom simultaneously and I’m seeing a need for other single parents to hear these words:

* It’s OK to radically LOVE your ex
* It’s OK to treat them better than they treat you
* It’s OK to fight for connection in your separation, even though it may feel confusing or wrong
* It’s OK to be the only one fighting for connection
* It’s OK to get frustrated and make mistakes and it’s even OK to apologize for them
* It’s OK to talk with love and honor about your Ex in front of your kids and others
* It’s OK to love and value your Ex’s new spouse
* It’s OK to tell your kids the brutal truth about yourself and your ex
* It’s OK to let your kids in on your process

So with that I am going to attempt to put out a few vulnerable thoughts I have about co-parenting with another human being.

Honor & Our Words –

So here’s my baseline: We all as humans, regardless of our actions, deserve to be honored and valued as human beings. There is no sin too big, no mistake too drastic, no past too far gone to ever come to the conclusion that any one person is not worthy of honor or value. On the contrary, Jesus died on the cross – His blood paid for all of our sins (among other things) so therefore if He, who never sinned, can extend grace and honor to us, we should be able to extend grace and honor to every person we interact with. This includes our Ex’s.

What does this look like practically? Well for me, It looks like treating my ex like he is a king even if his choices don’t match who I know he is deep down quite yet. It looks like telling him that I love him, that the door to Victoria is ALWAYS open as far as I’m concerned. It looks like doing my best to tell him the things that he’s doing right and the things that I appreciate about him. It looks like keeping a short list (or even … dare I say … no list at all) of his wrongs. It looks like continually deciding every day to fight for connection not only between him and myself but most importantly between him and our daughter. I truly believe that it is MY responsibility, as a mother, who loves her daughter, to facilitate a space for them to connect and grow.

Every child deserves the chance to have a functional loving relationship with both of their actual parents, so long as they are safe. And safety can look different to everyone so let me breakdown what this has looked like for us.

I have literally brought my daughter into a California State Prison on more than one occasion to facilitate a healthy relationship with her dad. But, I went multiple times by myself first to scope out the situation, to ask questions and to talk with Holy Spirit while I was there, trying to get a feel for whether or not this was a good move. It was. She connected to her dad in a way that she never had before and he had a renewed sense of hope for his future. My connection with him grew because I was able to show him in a new way that I trust him and believe in him and most importantly that I want them to have a healthy, growing relationship.

We have also met up with her dad while he was living on the streets, knowing full and well that the likelihood of him not being on drugs during our actual interaction was pretty slim. Now, we were in a public place, he has never been violent in front of her and I was absolutely prepared to cut the visit short if any serious red flags popped up. But they didn’t and I’m so glad I did this because less than a month later he went to prison and she didn’t get to see him again for another two years.

I’ve also stopped my car, pulled over and met him right where he was at, every single time that I would see him walking around when he was living on the streets. All that I would do is get out, say hello, tell him that I loved him and ask if he needed anything practical like a ride or food and then hugged him and let him keep making his own choices. I would do this whether I had Victoria in the car with me or not.

It’s never been my job to control him, only to love him.

In the very beginning I used to think that because of the drugs, his relationship with her had to be all or nothing. I truly thought that it wasn’t safe for her to be around him if he was on drugs. Either he needed to be completely clean and he could see her or he could make his own choices and then somehow it became my responsibility to protect her from him.

Now hear my heart. I want more than anything and pray every day for his full and complete restoration. I have one hundred percent faith that someday soon I will see him walking in the fullness of life. I want my daughter to be proud of her dad and for her to see him overcome all of the things that he faces. But I can tell you with complete assurance that he didn’t become an addict because he was too loved. He didn’t start making bad choices because he felt too supported. I do not blame myself OR anyone else for his choices. However, I am the first to admit that when he and I were together that I did not love him well. I did not love him the way he deserved to be loved … the way that Jesus loves. And just like you can’t shame a child into making good choices, you can no better shame an adult into making good choices. Love is the only thing on the planet that has that ability to transform.

Both parents play a vital role in every Childs life and I don’t know what our future holds. But I do know that restoration, connection and the fullness of life are in our future in one way or another. This could look like I get married to a wonderful man who loves Victoria as if she was his own and who loves my Ex like a brother and respects the place that he has and will forever have in our lives. This could look like my Ex goes through all of the healing that I know he deserves and gains the ability to love himself unconditionally and through that learns to love others as well. And even though I don’t think that this is the likely outcome, there is still a chance that someday in the future we could wind up getting back together and that could be a path that puts God on display in a way we never thought possible. I honestly have no clue what is in our future. But I can tell you that we are a family, the three of us and that will never change no matter who either of us ends up marrying.

Child Support –

I find Child Support an interesting subject because I have never really cared much to take anything from my Ex. I know that everyone has different opinions on the subject but I will say that in my opinion, money just doesn’t matter. Out of all of the things that I want Victoria to remember about her childhood, finances isn’t something I even want on her radar. Connection, unconditional love and joy are what I want in her hindsight. I have always been independent and responsible so demanding that he take care of me financially when he couldn’t even take care of himself practically just didn’t make much sense to me. If the day ever comes where he’s doing well and he wants to contribute in that way, awesome, but it’s really just not that important in the big scheme of things.

On the other hand, single dads! If you are the one wanting to fight for connection with your Ex and to show your child that you support them all the time. Not only should you give your Ex child support, but give her extra, simply out of love. How beautiful would it be for your kid to look back on their childhood and think to themselves, “My dad and mom didn’t always see eye to eye, but my dad always provided for BOTH of our needs, even when they disagreed.” Child support should NEVER be dependent on whether or not you are getting along with your Ex or whether or not they are remarried. That is an AWFUL way to show what kind of character you have to your child.

Expectations –

Saying that you aren’t going to expect anything is a defeated mentality. But telling your Ex that you expect all of these unrealistic things out of them is also just a bad plan. I’ve found that the only thing that I can expect out of my Ex is his best. I genuinely believe that as people, we are all doing our best and he is absolutely no exception. He is working through his own things, in his own timing and he actually loves really, really well. He loves fiercely and passionately and forever in the same way that I do. Knowing this helps me to always expect the best out of him and then every once and a while when I get disappointed, I revert back to forgiveness and start over, expecting the best out of him again. It’s never too late.

The End Goal –

I’ve found that single parents spend a lot of time thinking about the things that their Ex’s do wrong. I’m sure that some of you may even be thinking when reading this that your Ex may need to start doing these things. Am I right?

Well, all that I can say to that is that I unconditionally loved my Ex through a lot. I have had to FIGHT for connection with him. I have had to forgive and apologize more than I ever thought I would have to in my life. I’ve had to take responsibility for things that were and were not my fault. I have had to practice self control, check my heart, re-frame my thinking and be the example. But thanks to all of those things, I can say that I AM connected to him. Victoria IS connected to him. We all love and respect each other. We’ve worked through family issues and both of our families love each other and we are all living on the other side of separation. The work that I have seen done in our lives thanks to God’s guiding and grace is years of praying come true. He now loves to call and write and we all look forward to our visits when we get to go and spend quality time with him. We are so excited for the day that he gets out of prison and we can move into the next season of connection with him.

So the end goal. Like pretty much everything else I write about, it all boils down to connection. Are you fighting for connection with your Ex? Are you fighting for your child to stay connected their other parent? Are you showing your child what unconditional love looks like? Are you inviting your child into your process and being honest while still honoring your Ex?

I’m not here to tell you all of the things that you’re doing wrong or to toot my own horn. It has taken me years to get to a place where my heart only has good thoughts toward my Ex but I will say that it all started with forgiveness. You can’t overhaul your life or your relationship in one day. But you can start in one day. The day is today. Your little is watching, learning and remembering.

Swearing at Seven

Last week I told my seven year old daughter that she has my permission to say the word “fuck”.

Now obviously … I have that as my opening sentence for the shock factor haha but it’s still 100% true. But before you get all judge-y-you’re-an-awful-mom on me, hear me out.

It all started because we were watching friends. There was an episode where they were insinuating something that had to do with sex and getting really descriptive about it. So I said, “OK, I think it’s about time we turn this off, little ears” (Not because she can say fuck but can’t watch something that has to do with sex, but because it was getting inappropriate and taking sex outside of the context to which she understands it at this point in her life.) But when I went to turn it off she looked at me and said, “Maaahm, I know what they were talking about.” and then she whispered, shamefully … “S. E. X.” as if she wasn’t supposed to be saying that word.

I immediately laughed out loud because it was so matter of fact like, “Duh mom, I’m not stupid” But then I told her, “I have no problem with you knowing about sex or even talking about it with me, in fact … I encourage it. But the way they were talking about sex and making jokes about doing it outside of marriage isn’t healthy and I want to make sure that as you’re learning and growing up, you know first and foremost, how God created sex to be something beautiful, pure and holy between a husband and a wife. Sex is a good thing.”

Then she looked at me and said, “Really?” (as if I hadn’t told her before that I have a completely open door policy when it comes to any topic under the sun but even more specifically sex or any of the more grown up topics *eye roll*) So I looked at her right in the eyes and said, “Victoria, you don’t have to spell sex, there isn’t a single word that you can’t say to me. There is no topic where you have to be worried about what I will think or how I will respond if you bring it up. Sex isn’t a bad word. Wait, actually … even if you did say a bad word … you could say “fuck” and I wouldn’t care.”

*Jaw Drop*

She literally just sat there with her mouth open and stared blankly like, “my mom just said fuck!” Haha. But then I explained to her … “Our words are powerful. I want to make sure that you know and understand the meaning behind every word you say. I want to make sure that when you talk to me or to other people that you speak with honesty, kindness and respect. Most importantly I want you to remember the power that your words carry. But with all of that, I want you to know that, as far as I’m concerned, there is no topic, word, detail or emotion that is off limits. I want you to be 100% yourself always even if that means saying a word that others might put shame on.”

Now, every time a “bad word” comes up, I make sure that she knows the literal and slang meanings of it. We talk about why people use those words and reasons they could be offensive. And I definitely tell her which ones will get her sent to the principals office lol and then, I reinforce the kindness and respect factor. I tell her that she makes good choices and that I believe in her and her gentle sweet heart.

Honestly, I may be doing this whole thing completely wrong. But I will say, I am definitely doing my best. My primary focus as a mom is to connect with my daughters heart, to protect her and to show her that real love is unconditional. In everything, I want to reveal the heart of a loving Father who’s heart is crying out for us to think outside of our religious boxes and just sit in His presence and know that we can trust Him with anything and everything. He has no wrath. All of our debts were paid for by Jesus on the cross. When He looks at us He sees us as blameless and spotless. I want her to know that, like Him, I am a safe place for her and that she never has to be afraid to say or ask or do anything in front of me.

Like I said, I have no clue if this is definitely, for sure the absolute right way to be doing things. And, I am happy to open up the conversation to differing opinions but I will say that for the seven years that I’ve been parenting, I have tried really hard to just follow my instinct and really trust that God will direct me and convict me and point me in the right directions and that is what I feel He is doing in this particular area too. Let me know your thoughts!

He Redeems All Things

 

There was once a time when I was so overwhelmed with sadness and loss that I would allow anger to rise up inside of me and take control of my actions to the point where I would spew out hateful words to anyone near me. There was a time when I was so riddled with unnecessary fear that I would cling to my little baby for dear life and fearfully pray “God please keep us safe” when in reality, no one was coming to hurt us. There was a time when I would only maintain friendships with people who made poor choices and who I viewed as less than in order to make myself feel like the choices I was making and the lifestyle I was choosing were okay. I used to spend so much time pushing all of the good things in life away, only making space for “fun” and “easy” when all I really needed to do was give up.

I vividly remember a day when I heard the closest thing to the audible voice of God that I’ve ever heard, wake me up from a nap in the middle of the day. He said to me, simply, “It’s time for you to get out.”

Up to this point I was living with my boyfriend in total turmoil. I tried to deny it but, deep down, I knew that serious drugs were coming in and out of my house on a daily basis. I had come to a place where I was so paranoid that I would go to the bathroom door and listen in on the person in there to try to guess whether or not they were doing drugs. I would look behind picture frames and inside of different decorations that I had to try to find hidden drugs. I would pull up sections of carpet and tear apart tennis shoes and dig through laundry and … unfortunately, more often than not, I would find exactly what I was looking for … anything from pills to meth to little balls of foil to hollow pens to anything else you could imagine. I would wake up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep to an empty spot in the bed next to me and fearfully walk down the stairs, knowing that when I opened that garage door, I was going to be overwhelmed with disappointment, fear and outrage. I would get into physical fights while pregnant and have to have our roommate bust into our room and physically break up the chaos that was going on between us. I would run out of the house barefoot with no phone in the middle of the night having absolutely no idea where I was going to go. Everything was broken and by the time I finally had my sweet little baby, I was just numb.

I created an alternate reality in my head where everything was perfect and both of us and our families were living on the high of welcoming a new baby into the world that I honestly believed that everything was different and the drugs all just miraculously disappeared.

But then God.

When He woke me up (literally) and told me to get out. I had no clue what I was in for but I was honestly so numb that I didn’t really even feel anything … good or bad. I called my mom and told her that I needed to move back in with her and the rest was painful, but it all worked itself out eventually.

My heart though. My heart was broken into a million pieces. I had absolutely no self-esteem. I still … after five years, blamed myself for my dad’s murder and now, I was 21 years old and a brand new mother. I would tell God that I didn’t feel ANYthing, I would shout it at Him. I didn’t feel Him, I didn’t feel sadness or joy or peace or chaos. I only felt frustration that I was numb to it all. But I told Him that I knew how to be obedient. So I started to read my Bible and go to church. It was all I knew to do. I felt so out-of-place in church and I was so ashamed of the places I’d been and then things that I’d done that every time I stepped foot on that property I could feel people looking at me and I felt like they could see right through me and that they knew I was a fraud. I hated when worship would come on. I would wait and wait and wait for the preacher to get up there and start talking because logic and reason and learning, I could do. But pretending to feel and praise a God that I had no real relationship with was just painful for me and it felt fake and if there’s one thing I’ve always hated it’s inauthentic people, so I wasn’t about to pretend that I wanted to worship a God I didn’t think I knew.

Eventually, I met people who I connected with and I began to hear His voice and feel His presence. I would love to go into every detail about my whole journey of finally coming to the Lord but honestly it was so slow and gradual that it would probably bore you to bits (I am happy to go into more detail personally though if you want to message me and ask!). However, I can say that if I’ve learned anything about the character of God in all of this it’s that He’s SO patient. He meets us right where we’re at, no questions asked and He doesn’t care about our past in the same way we do. He doesn’t look at it through shame or guilt or condemnation. He looks at us through the blood of Jesus and he sees us as pure and Holy even when we’re in the middle of a gross and messy time in life. He asked me to physically leave my apartment that day, nothing else. He didn’t ask me to change who I was, He didn’t ask me to worship Him when I didn’t feel like it or to stop being mean to people. He didn’t ask me to do much of anything. He gave me one step at a time and He blessed me each time I made a good choice.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago about God’s grace and he said something that resonated so much with where I’ve been in all of this. He said, “Grace is the supernatural enabling power to do what God’s called you to do.” and then he said, “When you justify your decisions, you separate yourself from His Grace.”  I realized that it all started long before my dad died. It started with me in Jr. High and High School justifying one decision after another and then finally, I wound up with my life a complete mess. But after every decision that I had made pulling me farther and farther from His calling on my life, He still waited there patiently never pushing me. All I had to do was give Him one small yes, and then I was back under the covering of His Grace. I didn’t have any grand plan for how I was going to get my life to where it is now. I just gave him a tiny little yes when I was completely broken and had nothing left to give. But He took it. And He used it … and He used it for MY good, how crazy is that?

If you are in a place right now where you feel like you don’t know who God is. Or you feel like you’ve made too many choices and fallen way too far down the rabbit hole or that you’re too far gone, let me tell you … you’re wrong. He loves you so much. Right where you are. Broken, lonely, sad, confused. He thinks you’re a worthy investment, He thinks you’re beautiful and He sees you through the blood of Jesus, pure and Holy. If you feel like you can’t hear Him or feel Him, that’s OK. Keep talking to Him, you will … and, He hears you.

Psalms 56:8 says, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” And He does … not a single tear is wasted and He redeems all things, especially you!

 

Work – Life Balance

Growing up I would spend hours talking my dads ear off telling him about all of my hopes and dreams. I would tell him how I was going to be a missionary, a hair stylist and … more dear to my heart than any other thing … I would tell him how I was going to be a wife and a mother of five. I would lay out every little detail – all the way down to my childrens’ middle names. He was the perfect balance of listening and encouraging me to dream big and never putting limits on me while at the same time prompting me to be responsible and honest and shaping my character in ways I didn’t even see or know until now. I miss so many parts of who he was but I think the things I miss most are the parts of him that I didn’t even know existed until recently (10 + years after he died).

There was never a time in my life where he wasn’t the most admirable person I knew. That may still be true. His character was unmatched. I don’t think I would have said this as a young girl, but looking back now, I can clearly see that what I really wanted to be when I grew up was … just like him. Strong and kind. Passionate yet patient. Diligent but fun. Loyal and honest.

When I started working at 15 years old I remember my dad driving me to work and giving me the low down on good work ethic. He told me that 5 minutes early is on time. Nothing else will do. He told me that no matter where I was on the food chain that it was always my job to make my boss happy. He told me to always go the extra mile and to respect everyone even if they didn’t deserve it. None of this came as a surprise to me though because I saw my dad live this way every day with his job. He was the hardest worker I knew. And even though I was just a little fifteen year old waitress, he wanted to make sure that I was off to a good start in the work world. And I was.

Not long after my dad died I moved through about 3 or 4 different jobs and I was talking to someone I loved and admired very much about what kind of job I wanted and he told me something I’ll never forget. He said, “Christie, no body likes their job. That’s not how life works. The reality is you have to pick a job and then work REALLY hard for 30 or 40 years and then when you retire, you can enjoy your life.”

…

I remember thinking to myself, there is noway that’s true. I felt like that went against everything inside of me but at the time I couldn’t really put my finger on why so I just kind of nodded and let it go.

A number of years later right after I finished ministry school I was working at Old Navy. A job I HATED. I was in worship one night and I felt the Lord say to me, “why are you still working there?” And I said “because it’s job security” – I was working another job helping manage a cleaning company (that I actually enjoyed) at the time as well but I knew that at any point in time I could go back to my manager at Old Navy and tell her I needed to go up to 40 hours a week and she’d let me. And that made me feel safe. But in that moment, in worship, I felt the Lord so clearly say to me that He is my security and that by staying at Old Navy I was not trusting Him. So I knew what I had to do. I went to my boss the next day and put my two weeks notice in and haven’t looked back since. Thank you Jesus.

I often think back to the person who told me about what life and my job/future was supposed to be like and I see the way that they live their life and can’t help but be so thankful that I don’t have to live under that same defeated spirit. After everything I went through with losing my dad and then going through a really rough five years feeling so lost and out of control and then coming out on the other side with so much hope and joy, I just know that I know that I know that life is too short to stay in anything that I’m miserable in. No matter what.

I’m not afraid of hard work. I have excellent work ethic and I believe in everything my dad taught me as a young girl. It wasn’t until I realized that I actually was free to find a job that was mutually beneficial when I finally found the perfect job.

Everything about my job now is amazing. I love my boss so much. I love my coworkers. I love that it is strategically fitted to my specific strengths … and weaknesses. I love that there is an ample supply of grace and that there is room to make mistakes and learn from them. I love that they pay their employees what they’re worth even when money is tight. I love that just by being a part of our team every single employee from the top to the bottom grows in their relationship with the Lord and their understanding of His character and voice. And most of all I love that we’re more family than we are coworkers.

If I had listened to that person years ago I would have stayed at Old Navy or Bank of America or Starbucks. Those were all good jobs with tons of opportunity and I was working my way towards the top in all of them. But I knew, deep down, that they weren’t my future and I wasn’t theirs. I knew that I could find a job that not only, tolerated that I’m a single mom, but that encouraged me to flourish and be the best single mom I could possibly be.

In all of this I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that we’re never stuck. We were created to live a full and exciting life. Even when we’re young. I’m so thankful that my dad never pushed my dreaming aside and never made me feel like any of my crazy ideas were impossible. And … none of your crazy ideas are impossible either. You were created for greatness, for adventure, for joy and peace and for people to know and appreciate the parts of you that make you who you are. Even at work.

Tips for all the Guys out there …

Ok everyone, let’s get real about the things guys do when they’re interested in a girl for just a few. Recently I have been asked out, hit on, offended and everything in between (more than normal) and I must say while a lot of it has been comical, some of it has been flattering but ultimately, it mostly just leaves me completely dumbfounded at the entirety of the male gender. So here’s a little insight into the mind of a woman to help you all out.

I would like to preface this with the fact that I have a “just say yes” policy … If a guy asks me out and I

a.) feel safe and

b.) could see myself being attracted to him in any way … I will say yes.

So with that, I’m going to start with a few stories …

Flattering Stories

– Lake Date – A few months back Victoria and I went to the lake. We spent probably like 4 hours there and there was a group of people right next to us who spent about the same amount of time and they had a little kid who wound up playing with Victoria for part of it. There was a group of guys with them but I could see that one guy in particular kept looking at me and he didn’t seem to be ashamed about it in any way … which is actually attractive, when you follow through with some kind of action. And he did. He came over to me started to strike up conversation and then said, “I think you’re beautiful. Can I have your number so I can ask you out sometime?” Now, there’s a lot of variables here. He was a complete stranger, I didn’t think he was incredibly attractive but, he wasn’t completely off-putting either. And unlike men … for women, attraction can grow. I was very impressed with his boldness and I’ve been told multiple times by friends that I need to start dating again so I said OK. Once I gave him my number, we were leaving so we just packed up and left. He will come up again before this is all over. But that’s the end of the flattering part of his story.

– Drive by Beauty – So over the Summer, Victoria and I were walking downtown, one of my favorite things to do, when suddenly this guy who was, quite literally “hangin’ out the passengers side of his best friend’s ride, trying to holla at me” (HAHAHA sometimes I make myself laugh) but seriously though, he was in the passengers side of somebody’s truck, at a stop light and he leaned out the window and said to me “Excuse me, Ma’am? I just have to tell you that you are SO beautiful” and then he smiled, I said thank you and they drove off. Want to know how to hit on a woman? Use your manners. Use a flattering word like beautiful, not hot, not sexy, not smokin’. Nothing awkward like “very attractive”. Girls don’t want to hear that. If you want to hit on a girl, be confident, be respectful and say what you mean. And whatever you do, DO NOT howl or hoot or holler at a woman as you drive/walk by. No “Daaamn Gina’s” need apply here. I love this experience the most because Victoria was with me when it happened and she got to experience a guy hitting on me in a way that was sweet and not offensive in any way for her to remember and think about as she gets older and guys start hitting on her. Thanks for that, guy in truck.

– Facebook Date – I think this is my favorite way a guy has asked me out so far … which is very surprising to me because the thought of meeting someone on Facebook and then going on a date has always been on my “never going to happen” list (right next to meeting my husband in a bar). However, I did, and I’m glad. So my friends came to me one night with a few pictures of different guys and were asking me which ones I found attractive and which ones were not so much. And this guy was the only one I liked. I told them that my ideal scenario to meet a guy would be a group setting and then he could either ask me out there, or not, but it wouldn’t be awkward if he didn’t. Sooo … of course … the NEXT DAY this guy friend requested me on Facebook and sent me a message asking me out! … I died. However, once I got over the initial shock that I was not actually going to be able to completely and meticulously control the entire situation … I waited the appropriate 3-4 hours to read his message, (like any self respecting girl would do lol) and then I took the plunge and was pleasantly surprised. He was kind. He said that I have beautiful eyes and a sweet smile and that Victoria and Wednesday were cute and then he asked if I’d like to grab coffee or go fishing with him sometime. Things I loved about this: he didn’t waste any time. He looked at my profile saw some things that he liked and went for it. He gave me sweet compliments that weren’t creepy or weird at all. He was straightforward and didn’t dance around the subject. The reason he messaged me was to ask me out and he let me know that right away. And, he gave me choices, coffee or fishing. I chose fishing, obvi lol that is not obvious at all … but I chose fishing because it gave us the opportunity to be doing something and to distract ourselves from the awkwardness that is going on a first date. Good job Facebook Date. Unfortunately, there were absolutely NO sparks on the date and I felt like I was fishing with my dad, but I’m still glad I went.

 

Offensive/Off-putting Stories

– Stoplight Proposal – OK, so let me just set the scene for you on this one. I was driving to work in my Burgandy 1987 Cadillac De Ville, my window was stuck so I could not roll it up and I came to a stoplight where I was just minding my own business. In the car next to me, there were these two guys both with their windows down as well. Very average looking dudes. Not creepy looking … but not like OMG please don’t look at me because you’re so dreamy either. Now, I am notorious (in my own head) for never pulling directly up next to someone else’s window because I am an introvert in every sense of the word and I hate the thought of having to make eye contact or any other form of verbal or non verbal communication with the car next to me. So I’m sitting there with these two guys and all of our windows down and I could FEEL them gawking at me … which by the way is so funny because (call me superficial) but I would not be checking me out in the car I was driving lol. But any ways, they did and they were and then, I could hear one of them say “Hey!” … So naturally, I pretended not to hear, hoping that they were talking to each other or maybe some homeless person walking down the street, anyone but me. But then he spoke louder and said, “Hey! Will you marry me?” I looked over at him and nervously giggled. What do you do with that? What do you say to that. I’m pretty sure that he was trying to be flattering, but I mean, come on! This is a far cry from the sweet Drive by Beauty guy and really just plain awkward. I sat there for a little while longer, praying that God would change the light and then sped off as soon as He did. Lesson from this experience: there is definitely a time and a place for being funny. Everyone loves a guy with a great sense of humor. But I’ve never had a guy jokingly hit on me and then take him seriously. So if you want to hit on a girl, do it for real. Tell her she’s beautiful and either man up and ask her out or move on and walk away.

– Stalker Status – OK so we’ve finally returned to the Lake Date guy. I’m sure you can tell by the title of this one what went wrong. So literally as I was driving away from the lake this guy texted me and told me that I “looked great driving away.” What does that even mean? My car’s butt is nice? Who knows but then he went on to text me MANY times that night including a good night text. Then in the morning … a good morning text. Then texts and more texts. ALL. DAY. LONG. He kept saying things like, “I can’t wait to hang out with you” and “What are you doing right now?” and “Send me a picture” (Eww) and “How’s work going?” Oh my gosh! I could not handle it. I felt like as soon as I gave him my phone number, I immediately entered into a long term, serious relationship with an adult sized twelve year old. No thank you. After a couple days of trying to be subtle, I finally just told him that I was not interested anymore and that I would really like him to leave me alone. He responded with “I’m just really lonely, you can’t blame me for wanting to be loved” Ick! I talked to one of my guy friends who suggested I block him (I don’t know why I never thought of that! But I’m glad he did) and then he tried to follow me on Instagram and I blocked him there too. Lessons here? When a girl tells you she’s interested, believe her. If she gives you her number or tells you she wants to hang out sometime, she means it. Use the phone number and then set up a time to hang out and then leave her alone. We are not children. It’s attractive when a guy can have a life of his own, friends of his own, goals of his own and then at the same time, pursue a girl, make her feel special and flatter her without making her feel like she needs her own personal body guard. Good morning and good night texts are for people in long term exclusive relationships they are not for someone you just met. And more important than any other thing, when a girl tells you that she’s not interested, no matter what the reason is, believe her. Take her answer, assume the defeat and move the heck on.

– She better make a lot of $$ – OK so I’ve had two different scenarios recently where I’ve heard a guy say, “She better make good money because …” Just no you guys! No! First of all, if a girl said that, she’d be called a gold digger. Second of all, no woman wants a lazy man. That statement, whether intended or not, says “I want her to do all of the work and I want to sit on my ass.” No woman wants to run the house in that way. If you don’t make a ton of money, for me, that’s not a big deal. However, I want a man who looks at his family as his responsibility, to love, to provide and to cherish. I’ve been the bread winner in a relationship as a woman and, in my experience, it takes away the man’s confidence. If it’s necessary for a short period of time then that’s totally fine. But if that’s the goal, then at least with me, we’ve got a problem.

– Just ask her out – OK so my last story is a short one and I wasn’t being hit on at all but … I overheard these guys talking the other day … which may be what prompted this entire blog? But I heard one of them say, “I almost had this girl but I wasn’t sure if she liked me and then so much time went by and we just drifted away.” When I heard him say that I completely butted in and said, “Always ask her out. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know if she likes you, just ask her out.” They both kind of looked at me seemingly shocked that I was eaves dropping and interrupting but I didn’t really care lol. He said, “Really?” and I said “Yeah, there is never a time where it’s not flattering to get asked out” “If she’s not interested, she’ll just say “Thank you so much, I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.” It could be for any number of reasons but it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. I talk with one of my friends all the time about what type of girl he’s interested in and I’ve spent months pointing out girl after girl after girl, all of whom I think are like SO Beautiful and every time he’s not interested. And then he showed me a picture of a girl that he thought was beautiful the other day and I was blown away. I laughed and said, “Oh, you like plain girls!?” and he just laughed and it clicked … everyone has different taste and you never really know until you ask.

So now that I’ve poured out all of my thoughts on a few random scenarios from the last few months, what do I have to say about it all?

Well, dating and getting to know people is just awkward. No one is perfect and there’s grace for messing up. If you accidentally call a girl a word that might be offensive like “smokin’ hot” it’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t mean she’s put off by you enough to never consider you. Just remember it for the future. The most attractive qualities in a man initially are boldness, confidence and the ability to be straight forward but not creepy. And then once you’ve gotten the yes … follow through. Get something on the books. The Facebook Date guy acknowledged that I am a single mom and that he was a single dad and asked me to give him a couple different days and times I was available and that was perfect. We planned it on (I think) a Thursday and didn’t go fishing until the next Monday night, but he followed through and that was attractive and didn’t make me feel like he was rushing anything and it also told me that he had a life.

Ideas for hitting on a girl/asking a girl out:

• Send her flowers (not roses, roses are old news)
• Say hello
• Strike up conversation anywhere
• Tell her you think she’s beautiful
• Bring her a coffee/tea at work
• Just ask

The worst possible thing that could happen is she’ll be super flattered but not interested and say no.

Ideas for first or second dates:

• Activities
• Dinner then a movie
• Go on a hike
• Community activities
• Go mini golfing

Pick something that gives you the opportunity to talk but still have some minor distractions or topics of conversation because of your surroundings/activities.

Good luck.

 

 

Body Image Y’all

You guys! I am so tired of women, moms especially, talking shamelessly about their “goal” of losing weight and obsessing over their bodies. 

I’ve spent this whole year focusing on getting healthy … mind, body and soul … and because of that I’ve lost 40 pounds. But, this is the first time I have ever posted anything about the weight loss because that is not my focus. My goal has been and will continue to be trying to live healthy, every day, in every way. 

I won’t even utter the words lose weight in front of Victoria. It literally makes me want to cry hearing the way women (and men) talk about the way they look and their bodies on social media. Whether it’s their faces, or their butts, or their hair, or their stomach, I don’t really care. And the thought of them passing those insecurities along to their children is even more heartbreaking. Some do it jokingly, some are dead serious. But our words are powerful and the result is all the same … low self esteem. 

My confidence has grown this year more than any other year of my life but it’s not because I’ve lost a little weight. It’s because I’ve grown to love my body and my choices right where I’m at while continually striving to be better. I want to live a long life and I don’t want to have any physical limitations. I know I’m beautiful, and I was 40 lbs ago too. And I will be if I lose more weight, but that will never be the goal. 

All of this is just to say that I love seeing people post before and after pictures. I love hearing about different ways that people are learning about health and I love seeing people trying to constantly improve themselves. What I cannot handle is when I see women posting constant pictures of their bodies and critiquing them on social media. Or the never ending supply of posts about what they’re eating and incessantly mentioning weight loss as their only goal in front of hundreds, sometimes thousands, of other people. 

It’s time to love yourself into health, not hate yourself into an obsession with working out and eating perfect. It’s time to change the conversation about “dieting” from a poor body image to loving yourself enough to make good choices, while still enjoying life. Diet and excercise are a gift from God. He gave us so many different kinds of foods and beautiful bodies that heal and care for themselves if we just put in the tiniest of effort. 

Be an example to your children. Encourage them to make healthy choices, but don’t you dare tell them that they need to lose weight or that they should change ANYTHING about the beautiful little person that God made them.  I had a little girl in Victoria’s class tell me yesterday that she lost some weight and went on about how that was a good thing. She is seven. Seven! Losing weight should not even be on her radar in ANY capacity. It broke my heart when she said that. I looked that sweet little girl directly in the face and I told her that she is beautiful just the way she is and that her weight is perfect. That she is just right and that I wouldn’t change a single thing about the way that she looks. Her face lit up as if it was the first time she ever heard such a thing. Like I said, heartbreaking.  

The conversation needs to change. It’s our responsibility to love ourselves first. To be an example to our children and then to teach them how to make healthy choices. Not to shame item into hating their bodies. So let’s stop posting repeated pictures of our bodies all over social media. Let’s stop talking non-stop about losing weight and our current diet and let’s start talking about how beautiful we are right now, right where we’re at. Beautiful, imperfect, and a work in progress. 

What do you do when you REALLY don’t know what to do?

When Victoria was about four and a half she started to get these little bumps on her right eye that looked a little bit like tumors. At first, I was terrified, obviously. But once we got them checked out we realized they were sty’s that would just take multiple different forms. The ophthalmologist told us that the cause of them was clogged tear ducts so naturally I had a little conversation with my then five year old about making sure to wash her hands before touching her eyes. Unfortunately, they continued for over two years. She started out not really caring but by the time she was in Kindergarten and First Grade she definitely began to get sad and embarrassed when people (adults and children alike) would point it out and say the same annoying question … every dang time … “What’s wrong with your eye?” I would watch my little girls heart just sink and I could see shame fall onto her face and I literally felt like this stupid person just drained the joy out of my sweet, perfect, little, innocent child.

I didn’t know how to respond to people, let alone how to tell her to respond. At first I would tell her that she should just say, “What’s wrong with your manners?” and then, eventually, I began to feel convicted that I was teaching my child to respond to rudeness with rudeness and that was obviously wrong. So I had to come up with a new approach. I finally settled on telling her that if she didn’t want to tell people that she could say that she just didn’t want to answer their question and they would need to respect that. I also told her that if kids were mean or made fun of her that she could tell them how their words and actions made her feel and I said that she was powerful and brave and beautiful and then hoped for the best.

I would love to say that that was the end of that and I’m a great mom, pat on back and move on. But, unfortunately that’s not the way things turn out sometimes.

Once she reached the end of Kindergarten she started to get really sensitive about germs. She eventually went into a full blown state of ‘constantly concerned’ for about 3 weeks. She would wake up and tell me that her hands were dirty and then she would proceed to wash her hands probably anywhere from about 10-40 times a day depending on how the day was going. I was absolutely mind boggled as to where it came from and how on earth this could have happened. My little girl is a bug catcher, a mud-food chef, a garden princess and she loved to play in the dirt and never had any concern before. I didn’t know what to do.

So, I am in a couple of Facebook mom groups and up until this point had never really posted anything personal on them but I thought that with all of the like minded mommas on there that surely some of them would have some kind of encouragement for me. So I poured my heart out in a post. I asked for encouragement and I asked for ideas on things that I could change in my approach with my five year old.

And then … MOMS.

Oh my gosh moms!

I got a “how does your five year old even know what unseen germs are?”, I got an “Oh she DEFINITELY has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder”, I got “You DEFINITELY need to take her to a shrink/put her on medication”. I am not joking. These were actual real responses from a group of moms that I went to hoping for life giving encouragement. So bad!      Side note: If you are in one of these groups, lets just all agree that honest but uplifting and encouraging responses that don’t speak actual death over anyone else is always a good plan?

But, thankfully, my God, He redeems all things. So I had one mom send me a private message that simply said, “I would love to help you process whats going on with your daughter if you’d like my help?” not knowing who she was or what she did but all the while feeling overcome with gratitude that someone wanted to be nice to me and even help me. She wound up helping me go through a guided conversation with the Lord that got me to the conclusion that the reason Victoria was having this struggle with germs was because of how I told her that if she didn’t wash her hands, her eye would continue to get infected.

My heart sank.

Immediately I was overcome with guilt and sadness that I, as her mother, could inflict this kind of mental torture onto my daughter that got her to a place where she literally couldn’t buckle her seat belt because it had germs, or hold my hand when crossing the street because I had germs or touch ANY doors ever because they had germs. All I could think of was how it was ALL. MY. FAULT. I find that I come to this conclusion a lot. Thankfully, I also hear Gods voice a lot so He snaps me out of this ridiculous mindset pretty quickly.

Now that I knew the cause of the problem though, I had tools to fix it. I knew that I needed to apologize to her for scaring her and that I needed to explain once again how germs can actually be good for our body and what a healthy amount of hand washing looks like, etc. After doing that it definitely got better. Her meltdowns went from about four or five times a day to one or two and then every other and then a couple each week and then they eventually fizzled out.

Thank you Jesus.

But once again, unfortunately, that was still not the end of this story. About half way through First grade I started to notice her getting a little sensitive once again. It started with her just kind of pulling away from me and retreating when I would go to touch her and then it moved into her starting to ask me to wash my hands before touching her. And then it came back completely, ten fold. It. Was. Awful. It was absolutely debilitating to her … and me. She would wake up in the morning and first thing, have her fingers spread out as far as she could get them from each other and immediately tell me that her hands were dirty and that she needed to wash them right away. She would use toilet paper and tissues and baby wipes to touch ANYTHING. She would get devastated if I physically picked out her outfit in the morning or helped her get dressed because my dirty hands touched the outfit and that was going to get her dirty. Her teacher would send me messages to let me know that she got up in the middle of class seven times that day just to wash her hands and she would tell me that she was noticing that her hands were starting to dry and crack.

I was hopeless. I was heartbroken. I was so lost and had no clue what to even say to God when asking for help. I would just cry. I felt numb.

I finally decided to start going to see a counselor to get advice on how to help her through this whole process and boy did that help! I am so thankful for good counselors.

Up until this point I would try to logically explain to her why her requests were unreasonable and I would try to explain to her that everything would be OK and tell her that germs weren’t completely bad. But once I started processing with my counselor I realized that logic wasn’t going to help the situation. While the little talk about the bump on her eye and washing her hands may have been the original onset, something else was causing it this time. It was control. She felt completely out of control.

Once again, mostly, completely, definitely came from me. But like I said, my Heavenly Father covers me like no body’s business so He already had a plan for how to reconcile this situation.

In my quiet time with Him I realized that for a period of time, I needed to just let her do what she felt she needed to do. If she felt like she was dirty, I would let her strip down and take a bath. If she felt like my hands were dirty, I would wash them when she asked and how she asked. I sent her to school with some hand sanitizer and lotion for her desk so she wouldn’t have to get up as much and I just hoped that eventually she would feel more in control and it would hopefully work itself out. While I think that was a great first step, I know that the Lord was definitely inviting me into something so much deeper in this area so I kept asking Him, “OK what do I do now?” he had me letting her control the situation for probably about two weeks and then one morning I felt a shift. We were getting ready in the morning for school and she had touched an iguana the night before and went to bed mid melt down so she woke up and just continued the torture in the morning. I started by trying to let her control the situation but quickly realized that her requests that morning were just too much for the amount of time we had. She wanted me to use a baby wipe and wipe down my whole body and all of the things that I had touched that morning because I had touched the faucet that she used the night before after touching the iguana and didn’t use toilet paper to turn it off. I know. It was as awful as it sounds. I broke down. I started to cry and I just asked the Lord to tell me what to do because I had no clue. I was just so done.

And then I clearly heard Him say, “You need to take the control back and show her that she can trust you” and I knew that it was time for me to force her hand. It was literally one of the saddest most horrific things I’ve had to do as a mom. I grabbed her clothes and told her to come to me and she came over TERRIFIED knowing that I was going to force her to put the clothes on that she knew were so dirty from my disgusting hands. I talked calmly to her and told her that I loved her and that it was going to be alright and then I put each piece of clothing on her all the while she was screaming bloody murder as if I were completely violating her whole body. I cannot even begin to put into words how horrible it was. But I knew that I was doing the right thing in that moment. Once the clothes were on her she sank into my arms and just cried for like ten minutes straight and I felt the fear break off of her.

I realized after the whole experience that she needed different things at different times and the only way that I knew what those things were was by being in constant communication with the one who created her, who knows every little detail of her heart and soul. He was my only hope. When I was failing completely and absolutely hopeless, He knew, every time. He always knows. He’s so good.

She wound up having probably about three or maybe four more little episodes before they fizzled out for good. Each time she needed me to respond differently, but each time I clearly heard the voice of God tell me how to respond and I did.

Once again I am so thankful for my God. I don’t know how anyone does this parenting thing without Him. I honestly don’t. I truly feel so cared for and loved every time I have to push through another difficult mom moment. He always knows exactly what she needs and then on top of teaching me to meet her needs, He still finds someway to meet mine. I hope this blesses you in someway and that you leave this post feeling encouraged that whatever trial you might be facing with your little right now, that He knows exactly how they were created and He knows exactly what their little hearts need and how to help you get there. I hope you leave knowing that you can hear his voice and. that you leave overwhelmed with His unconditional love and grace for you as a parent and as a human.

 

Rough Days

Sometimes, I just want to scream. Today is one of those days where I have had it up to here with my girl. Everything she’s doing is bugging me, everything I do isn’t right, I feel super under appreciated and way over worked and all I really want to do is grab a peanut butter pipeline from From the Hearth and curl up in a ball and cry. I find it so hard sometimes that people say things to me like “you’re such a great mom” or “you’re so wise” or any of the other totally nice compliments they give me because I look at them and think of days like this. Not the highlight reel I post on social media.

So let’s be real for a second. Parenting is hard. Straight up, it’s no freaking joke and sometimes I just want to give up, tell my kid to shut up and then move on with life. Now I’ve never co-parented before so I’m sure that its got a whole other set of trials and things to work through but single parenting … like by your self, completely alone, no co-parent, parenting … it can be rough.

I found myself getting so frustrated today with Victoria because literally everything I do is wrong no matter how hard I try to give her the best possible life I can give her. I get so annoyed because she has the worst case of only child syndrome out of any kid I’ve ever met. She genuinely thinks the world revolves around her and has absolutely no clue (no matter how many times I tell her) that she was actually put here to love and serve others, not the other way around. And then, all of this is completely magnified by the fact that I’m totally and shamelessly PMSing.

So that puts me here. Sitting down at the end of my night thinking to myself, why does everyone tell me I’m so wise? Why do people keep calling me a good mom? If only they could see me today … sucking big time.

I’m finding myself asking “God where are you in these moments?” This is the hard stuff, I know that theres going to be some great story at the end of this all but the process is painful and it’s really not fun. So where are you God? I don’t have anyone telling me the answers. I don’t have anyone saying, this is how you help your girl not be entitled. This is how you help your child to see ALL of the things you do to make her life great. This is how you convince your seven year old that PANTIES ARE NOT THE DEVIL. I’ve got no one. Just lonely old me here struggling to figure it out.

Now I know that I SOUND completely hopeless and whiney, but I promise I’m not. I’m just being real for a second. Authenticity is SO important to me and I really do only post a highlight reel on social media. So here are some hopeful truths I am going to speak over myself as I go to sleep tonight:

I AM a good mom and my girl DOES appreciate me.

Victoria is growing into a beautiful, thoughtful, kind and caring young lady.

I am not alone. God is with me in every single moment.

I will not be a single parent forever.

Victoria will not be an only child forever.

I am not paying for my past mistakes. Jesus did that for me 2000 years ago. It’s done.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Even be a mom.

Tomorrow is a new day full of opportunity and grace.

Panties are truly not the devil.

and every part of this journey, even the gross days like today, can be beautiful.