Sometimes, I just want to scream. Today is one of those days where I have had it up to here with my girl. Everything she’s doing is bugging me, everything I do isn’t right, I feel super under appreciated and way over worked and all I really want to do is grab a peanut butter pipeline from From the Hearth and curl up in a ball and cry. I find it so hard sometimes that people say things to me like “you’re such a great mom” or “you’re so wise” or any of the other totally nice compliments they give me because I look at them and think of days like this. Not the highlight reel I post on social media.
So let’s be real for a second. Parenting is hard. Straight up, it’s no freaking joke and sometimes I just want to give up, tell my kid to shut up and then move on with life. Now I’ve never co-parented before so I’m sure that its got a whole other set of trials and things to work through but single parenting … like by your self, completely alone, no co-parent, parenting … it can be rough.
I found myself getting so frustrated today with Victoria because literally everything I do is wrong no matter how hard I try to give her the best possible life I can give her. I get so annoyed because she has the worst case of only child syndrome out of any kid I’ve ever met. She genuinely thinks the world revolves around her and has absolutely no clue (no matter how many times I tell her) that she was actually put here to love and serve others, not the other way around. And then, all of this is completely magnified by the fact that I’m totally and shamelessly PMSing.
So that puts me here. Sitting down at the end of my night thinking to myself, why does everyone tell me I’m so wise? Why do people keep calling me a good mom? If only they could see me today … sucking big time.
I’m finding myself asking “God where are you in these moments?” This is the hard stuff, I know that theres going to be some great story at the end of this all but the process is painful and it’s really not fun. So where are you God? I don’t have anyone telling me the answers. I don’t have anyone saying, this is how you help your girl not be entitled. This is how you help your child to see ALL of the things you do to make her life great. This is how you convince your seven year old that PANTIES ARE NOT THE DEVIL. I’ve got no one. Just lonely old me here struggling to figure it out.
Now I know that I SOUND completely hopeless and whiney, but I promise I’m not. I’m just being real for a second. Authenticity is SO important to me and I really do only post a highlight reel on social media. So here are some hopeful truths I am going to speak over myself as I go to sleep tonight:
I AM a good mom and my girl DOES appreciate me.
Victoria is growing into a beautiful, thoughtful, kind and caring young lady.
I am not alone. God is with me in every single moment.
I will not be a single parent forever.
Victoria will not be an only child forever.
I am not paying for my past mistakes. Jesus did that for me 2000 years ago. It’s done.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Even be a mom.
Tomorrow is a new day full of opportunity and grace.
Panties are truly not the devil.
and every part of this journey, even the gross days like today, can be beautiful.
Christie Zahner 