Last week I told my seven year old daughter that she has my permission to say the word “fuck”.
Now obviously … I have that as my opening sentence for the shock factor haha but it’s still 100% true. But before you get all judge-y-you’re-an-awful-mom on me, hear me out.
It all started because we were watching friends. There was an episode where they were insinuating something that had to do with sex and getting really descriptive about it. So I said, “OK, I think it’s about time we turn this off, little ears” (Not because she can say fuck but can’t watch something that has to do with sex, but because it was getting inappropriate and taking sex outside of the context to which she understands it at this point in her life.) But when I went to turn it off she looked at me and said, “Maaahm, I know what they were talking about.” and then she whispered, shamefully … “S. E. X.” as if she wasn’t supposed to be saying that word.
I immediately laughed out loud because it was so matter of fact like, “Duh mom, I’m not stupid” But then I told her, “I have no problem with you knowing about sex or even talking about it with me, in fact … I encourage it. But the way they were talking about sex and making jokes about doing it outside of marriage isn’t healthy and I want to make sure that as you’re learning and growing up, you know first and foremost, how God created sex to be something beautiful, pure and holy between a husband and a wife. Sex is a good thing.”
Then she looked at me and said, “Really?” (as if I hadn’t told her before that I have a completely open door policy when it comes to any topic under the sun but even more specifically sex or any of the more grown up topics *eye roll*) So I looked at her right in the eyes and said, “Victoria, you don’t have to spell sex, there isn’t a single word that you can’t say to me. There is no topic where you have to be worried about what I will think or how I will respond if you bring it up. Sex isn’t a bad word. Wait, actually … even if you did say a bad word … you could say “fuck” and I wouldn’t care.”
*Jaw Drop*
She literally just sat there with her mouth open and stared blankly like, “my mom just said fuck!” Haha. But then I explained to her … “Our words are powerful. I want to make sure that you know and understand the meaning behind every word you say. I want to make sure that when you talk to me or to other people that you speak with honesty, kindness and respect. Most importantly I want you to remember the power that your words carry. But with all of that, I want you to know that, as far as I’m concerned, there is no topic, word, detail or emotion that is off limits. I want you to be 100% yourself always even if that means saying a word that others might put shame on.”
Now, every time a “bad word” comes up, I make sure that she knows the literal and slang meanings of it. We talk about why people use those words and reasons they could be offensive. And I definitely tell her which ones will get her sent to the principals office lol and then, I reinforce the kindness and respect factor. I tell her that she makes good choices and that I believe in her and her gentle sweet heart.
Honestly, I may be doing this whole thing completely wrong. But I will say, I am definitely doing my best. My primary focus as a mom is to connect with my daughters heart, to protect her and to show her that real love is unconditional. In everything, I want to reveal the heart of a loving Father who’s heart is crying out for us to think outside of our religious boxes and just sit in His presence and know that we can trust Him with anything and everything. He has no wrath. All of our debts were paid for by Jesus on the cross. When He looks at us He sees us as blameless and spotless. I want her to know that, like Him, I am a safe place for her and that she never has to be afraid to say or ask or do anything in front of me.
Like I said, I have no clue if this is definitely, for sure the absolute right way to be doing things. And, I am happy to open up the conversation to differing opinions but I will say that for the seven years that I’ve been parenting, I have tried really hard to just follow my instinct and really trust that God will direct me and convict me and point me in the right directions and that is what I feel He is doing in this particular area too. Let me know your thoughts!
Christie Zahner 