Honor Your Ex

When Victoria was about four years old we were driving down the road one day and out of no where, she asked me, “Mommy, where is my daddy?”

This is the question that I had been anticipating since the day we had finally, officially, decided to call it quits.

I spent so much time, unhealthy as I was, trying with all of my might to force our relationship to work. This was partially due to my undying desire to somehow give my daughter the opportunity to grow up in a two parent household but if I’m completely honest … it also had just as much to do with the fact that I loved her dad more than anyone in the world. We had known each other for twelve years by this time and in my mind and my heart, I was eternally committed to him. If you know me at all, you know that the fierceness of my loyalty is unlike any other. So coming to the conclusion that us being together just wasn’t an option anymore was, easily, the most difficult decision that I’ve made thus far in my life.

So when the time came and I was finally faced with the question that I had been dreading for years I found myself quickly asking The Lord for direction and then hoping that somehow I would miraculously not wind up damaging her for life. I took a deep breath and then I answered her questions, one at a time, as honest, gentle and simple as I could.

At this point he was in a pretty low place in his life so navigating her questions truthfully, while still honoring and accurately representing who her dad is at his core was of the highest importance to me. I told her that He didn’t come around because he was sick. She asked me if he was in the hospital, followed by, why not and I told her that he wasn’t quite ready to get better yet. I told her that just like I sometimes make bad choices and she sometimes makes bad choices that her dad was in a season of making bad choices too – to which she responded harshly with, “Well if he makes bad choices, then I don’t like him.”

My heart instantly broke as I had to quickly figure out my response.

I felt a little nudge to remind her how I deal with her bad choices and how much extra love all humans need when they’re in a season of making bad choices. I told her that the only way that anyone ever wants to do better is when they can feel that they’re loved and known. She seemed to grasp the idea by the end of the conversation and we were able to move on to something else pretty quickly after that.

But that’s how it all started out for me. Co-parenting that is. However, I still to this day have never officially “co-parented” in the traditional way that most ex-couples do. Every co-parenting situation is different.

I am about to make a bunch of blanket statements that you may not feel like account for your specific situation, so I do want to acknowledge that as humans, we all feel different feelings, experience interactions differently and have different priorities and values. But I do still feel that for the sake of forging a new path for our children and for the sake of teaching our kids what love really looks like, we are called to treat those who’ve maybe wronged us or hurt us better than they may deserve. If for no other reason, than simply to repeat what Jesus did for us on the cross.

I’ve had the idea for this blog on my mind for a really long time but it’s hard for me to write about, not just because it’s something that is super vulnerable for me, but also because I am not the only person that is affected by the words I type here. I don’t take that lightly. In everything I write and every interaction I have with those I love, I try so hard to make honor my highest priority.

So, if you are someone that I love or someone who is affected by the words I put here, please know my heart toward everyone involved and please give me grace and please let me know if you feel like anything I’m saying isn’t honoring. My purpose in writing this blog is to encourage and challenge the way that I’ve experienced most single parents. I have seen an overwhelming response, on my personal social media and even in conversations that I have with other moms, about the “different” thoughts that I have toward this whole season of being single and a mom simultaneously and I’m seeing a need for other single parents to hear these words:

* It’s OK to radically LOVE your ex
* It’s OK to treat them better than they treat you
* It’s OK to fight for connection in your separation, even though it may feel confusing or wrong
* It’s OK to be the only one fighting for connection
* It’s OK to get frustrated and make mistakes and it’s even OK to apologize for them
* It’s OK to talk with love and honor about your Ex in front of your kids and others
* It’s OK to love and value your Ex’s new spouse
* It’s OK to tell your kids the brutal truth about yourself and your ex
* It’s OK to let your kids in on your process

So with that I am going to attempt to put out a few vulnerable thoughts I have about co-parenting with another human being.

Honor & Our Words –

So here’s my baseline: We all as humans, regardless of our actions, deserve to be honored and valued as human beings. There is no sin too big, no mistake too drastic, no past too far gone to ever come to the conclusion that any one person is not worthy of honor or value. On the contrary, Jesus died on the cross – His blood paid for all of our sins (among other things) so therefore if He, who never sinned, can extend grace and honor to us, we should be able to extend grace and honor to every person we interact with. This includes our Ex’s.

What does this look like practically? Well for me, It looks like treating my ex like he is a king even if his choices don’t match who I know he is deep down quite yet. It looks like telling him that I love him, that the door to Victoria is ALWAYS open as far as I’m concerned. It looks like doing my best to tell him the things that he’s doing right and the things that I appreciate about him. It looks like keeping a short list (or even … dare I say … no list at all) of his wrongs. It looks like continually deciding every day to fight for connection not only between him and myself but most importantly between him and our daughter. I truly believe that it is MY responsibility, as a mother, who loves her daughter, to facilitate a space for them to connect and grow.

Every child deserves the chance to have a functional loving relationship with both of their actual parents, so long as they are safe. And safety can look different to everyone so let me breakdown what this has looked like for us.

I have literally brought my daughter into a California State Prison on more than one occasion to facilitate a healthy relationship with her dad. But, I went multiple times by myself first to scope out the situation, to ask questions and to talk with Holy Spirit while I was there, trying to get a feel for whether or not this was a good move. It was. She connected to her dad in a way that she never had before and he had a renewed sense of hope for his future. My connection with him grew because I was able to show him in a new way that I trust him and believe in him and most importantly that I want them to have a healthy, growing relationship.

We have also met up with her dad while he was living on the streets, knowing full and well that the likelihood of him not being on drugs during our actual interaction was pretty slim. Now, we were in a public place, he has never been violent in front of her and I was absolutely prepared to cut the visit short if any serious red flags popped up. But they didn’t and I’m so glad I did this because less than a month later he went to prison and she didn’t get to see him again for another two years.

I’ve also stopped my car, pulled over and met him right where he was at, every single time that I would see him walking around when he was living on the streets. All that I would do is get out, say hello, tell him that I loved him and ask if he needed anything practical like a ride or food and then hugged him and let him keep making his own choices. I would do this whether I had Victoria in the car with me or not.

It’s never been my job to control him, only to love him.

In the very beginning I used to think that because of the drugs, his relationship with her had to be all or nothing. I truly thought that it wasn’t safe for her to be around him if he was on drugs. Either he needed to be completely clean and he could see her or he could make his own choices and then somehow it became my responsibility to protect her from him.

Now hear my heart. I want more than anything and pray every day for his full and complete restoration. I have one hundred percent faith that someday soon I will see him walking in the fullness of life. I want my daughter to be proud of her dad and for her to see him overcome all of the things that he faces. But I can tell you with complete assurance that he didn’t become an addict because he was too loved. He didn’t start making bad choices because he felt too supported. I do not blame myself OR anyone else for his choices. However, I am the first to admit that when he and I were together that I did not love him well. I did not love him the way he deserved to be loved … the way that Jesus loves. And just like you can’t shame a child into making good choices, you can no better shame an adult into making good choices. Love is the only thing on the planet that has that ability to transform.

Both parents play a vital role in every Childs life and I don’t know what our future holds. But I do know that restoration, connection and the fullness of life are in our future in one way or another. This could look like I get married to a wonderful man who loves Victoria as if she was his own and who loves my Ex like a brother and respects the place that he has and will forever have in our lives. This could look like my Ex goes through all of the healing that I know he deserves and gains the ability to love himself unconditionally and through that learns to love others as well. And even though I don’t think that this is the likely outcome, there is still a chance that someday in the future we could wind up getting back together and that could be a path that puts God on display in a way we never thought possible. I honestly have no clue what is in our future. But I can tell you that we are a family, the three of us and that will never change no matter who either of us ends up marrying.

Child Support –

I find Child Support an interesting subject because I have never really cared much to take anything from my Ex. I know that everyone has different opinions on the subject but I will say that in my opinion, money just doesn’t matter. Out of all of the things that I want Victoria to remember about her childhood, finances isn’t something I even want on her radar. Connection, unconditional love and joy are what I want in her hindsight. I have always been independent and responsible so demanding that he take care of me financially when he couldn’t even take care of himself practically just didn’t make much sense to me. If the day ever comes where he’s doing well and he wants to contribute in that way, awesome, but it’s really just not that important in the big scheme of things.

On the other hand, single dads! If you are the one wanting to fight for connection with your Ex and to show your child that you support them all the time. Not only should you give your Ex child support, but give her extra, simply out of love. How beautiful would it be for your kid to look back on their childhood and think to themselves, “My dad and mom didn’t always see eye to eye, but my dad always provided for BOTH of our needs, even when they disagreed.” Child support should NEVER be dependent on whether or not you are getting along with your Ex or whether or not they are remarried. That is an AWFUL way to show what kind of character you have to your child.

Expectations –

Saying that you aren’t going to expect anything is a defeated mentality. But telling your Ex that you expect all of these unrealistic things out of them is also just a bad plan. I’ve found that the only thing that I can expect out of my Ex is his best. I genuinely believe that as people, we are all doing our best and he is absolutely no exception. He is working through his own things, in his own timing and he actually loves really, really well. He loves fiercely and passionately and forever in the same way that I do. Knowing this helps me to always expect the best out of him and then every once and a while when I get disappointed, I revert back to forgiveness and start over, expecting the best out of him again. It’s never too late.

The End Goal –

I’ve found that single parents spend a lot of time thinking about the things that their Ex’s do wrong. I’m sure that some of you may even be thinking when reading this that your Ex may need to start doing these things. Am I right?

Well, all that I can say to that is that I unconditionally loved my Ex through a lot. I have had to FIGHT for connection with him. I have had to forgive and apologize more than I ever thought I would have to in my life. I’ve had to take responsibility for things that were and were not my fault. I have had to practice self control, check my heart, re-frame my thinking and be the example. But thanks to all of those things, I can say that I AM connected to him. Victoria IS connected to him. We all love and respect each other. We’ve worked through family issues and both of our families love each other and we are all living on the other side of separation. The work that I have seen done in our lives thanks to God’s guiding and grace is years of praying come true. He now loves to call and write and we all look forward to our visits when we get to go and spend quality time with him. We are so excited for the day that he gets out of prison and we can move into the next season of connection with him.

So the end goal. Like pretty much everything else I write about, it all boils down to connection. Are you fighting for connection with your Ex? Are you fighting for your child to stay connected their other parent? Are you showing your child what unconditional love looks like? Are you inviting your child into your process and being honest while still honoring your Ex?

I’m not here to tell you all of the things that you’re doing wrong or to toot my own horn. It has taken me years to get to a place where my heart only has good thoughts toward my Ex but I will say that it all started with forgiveness. You can’t overhaul your life or your relationship in one day. But you can start in one day. The day is today. Your little is watching, learning and remembering.

Swearing at Seven

Last week I told my seven year old daughter that she has my permission to say the word “fuck”.

Now obviously … I have that as my opening sentence for the shock factor haha but it’s still 100% true. But before you get all judge-y-you’re-an-awful-mom on me, hear me out.

It all started because we were watching friends. There was an episode where they were insinuating something that had to do with sex and getting really descriptive about it. So I said, “OK, I think it’s about time we turn this off, little ears” (Not because she can say fuck but can’t watch something that has to do with sex, but because it was getting inappropriate and taking sex outside of the context to which she understands it at this point in her life.) But when I went to turn it off she looked at me and said, “Maaahm, I know what they were talking about.” and then she whispered, shamefully … “S. E. X.” as if she wasn’t supposed to be saying that word.

I immediately laughed out loud because it was so matter of fact like, “Duh mom, I’m not stupid” But then I told her, “I have no problem with you knowing about sex or even talking about it with me, in fact … I encourage it. But the way they were talking about sex and making jokes about doing it outside of marriage isn’t healthy and I want to make sure that as you’re learning and growing up, you know first and foremost, how God created sex to be something beautiful, pure and holy between a husband and a wife. Sex is a good thing.”

Then she looked at me and said, “Really?” (as if I hadn’t told her before that I have a completely open door policy when it comes to any topic under the sun but even more specifically sex or any of the more grown up topics *eye roll*) So I looked at her right in the eyes and said, “Victoria, you don’t have to spell sex, there isn’t a single word that you can’t say to me. There is no topic where you have to be worried about what I will think or how I will respond if you bring it up. Sex isn’t a bad word. Wait, actually … even if you did say a bad word … you could say “fuck” and I wouldn’t care.”

*Jaw Drop*

She literally just sat there with her mouth open and stared blankly like, “my mom just said fuck!” Haha. But then I explained to her … “Our words are powerful. I want to make sure that you know and understand the meaning behind every word you say. I want to make sure that when you talk to me or to other people that you speak with honesty, kindness and respect. Most importantly I want you to remember the power that your words carry. But with all of that, I want you to know that, as far as I’m concerned, there is no topic, word, detail or emotion that is off limits. I want you to be 100% yourself always even if that means saying a word that others might put shame on.”

Now, every time a “bad word” comes up, I make sure that she knows the literal and slang meanings of it. We talk about why people use those words and reasons they could be offensive. And I definitely tell her which ones will get her sent to the principals office lol and then, I reinforce the kindness and respect factor. I tell her that she makes good choices and that I believe in her and her gentle sweet heart.

Honestly, I may be doing this whole thing completely wrong. But I will say, I am definitely doing my best. My primary focus as a mom is to connect with my daughters heart, to protect her and to show her that real love is unconditional. In everything, I want to reveal the heart of a loving Father who’s heart is crying out for us to think outside of our religious boxes and just sit in His presence and know that we can trust Him with anything and everything. He has no wrath. All of our debts were paid for by Jesus on the cross. When He looks at us He sees us as blameless and spotless. I want her to know that, like Him, I am a safe place for her and that she never has to be afraid to say or ask or do anything in front of me.

Like I said, I have no clue if this is definitely, for sure the absolute right way to be doing things. And, I am happy to open up the conversation to differing opinions but I will say that for the seven years that I’ve been parenting, I have tried really hard to just follow my instinct and really trust that God will direct me and convict me and point me in the right directions and that is what I feel He is doing in this particular area too. Let me know your thoughts!