When Victoria was about four and a half she started to get these little bumps on her right eye that looked a little bit like tumors. At first, I was terrified, obviously. But once we got them checked out we realized they were sty’s that would just take multiple different forms. The ophthalmologist told us that the cause of them was clogged tear ducts so naturally I had a little conversation with my then five year old about making sure to wash her hands before touching her eyes. Unfortunately, they continued for over two years. She started out not really caring but by the time she was in Kindergarten and First Grade she definitely began to get sad and embarrassed when people (adults and children alike) would point it out and say the same annoying question … every dang time … “What’s wrong with your eye?” I would watch my little girls heart just sink and I could see shame fall onto her face and I literally felt like this stupid person just drained the joy out of my sweet, perfect, little, innocent child.
I didn’t know how to respond to people, let alone how to tell her to respond. At first I would tell her that she should just say, “What’s wrong with your manners?” and then, eventually, I began to feel convicted that I was teaching my child to respond to rudeness with rudeness and that was obviously wrong. So I had to come up with a new approach. I finally settled on telling her that if she didn’t want to tell people that she could say that she just didn’t want to answer their question and they would need to respect that. I also told her that if kids were mean or made fun of her that she could tell them how their words and actions made her feel and I said that she was powerful and brave and beautiful and then hoped for the best.
I would love to say that that was the end of that and I’m a great mom, pat on back and move on. But, unfortunately that’s not the way things turn out sometimes.
Once she reached the end of Kindergarten she started to get really sensitive about germs. She eventually went into a full blown state of ‘constantly concerned’ for about 3 weeks. She would wake up and tell me that her hands were dirty and then she would proceed to wash her hands probably anywhere from about 10-40 times a day depending on how the day was going. I was absolutely mind boggled as to where it came from and how on earth this could have happened. My little girl is a bug catcher, a mud-food chef, a garden princess and she loved to play in the dirt and never had any concern before. I didn’t know what to do.
So, I am in a couple of Facebook mom groups and up until this point had never really posted anything personal on them but I thought that with all of the like minded mommas on there that surely some of them would have some kind of encouragement for me. So I poured my heart out in a post. I asked for encouragement and I asked for ideas on things that I could change in my approach with my five year old.
And then … MOMS.
Oh my gosh moms!
I got a “how does your five year old even know what unseen germs are?”, I got an “Oh she DEFINITELY has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder”, I got “You DEFINITELY need to take her to a shrink/put her on medication”. I am not joking. These were actual real responses from a group of moms that I went to hoping for life giving encouragement. So bad! Side note: If you are in one of these groups, lets just all agree that honest but uplifting and encouraging responses that don’t speak actual death over anyone else is always a good plan?
But, thankfully, my God, He redeems all things. So I had one mom send me a private message that simply said, “I would love to help you process whats going on with your daughter if you’d like my help?” not knowing who she was or what she did but all the while feeling overcome with gratitude that someone wanted to be nice to me and even help me. She wound up helping me go through a guided conversation with the Lord that got me to the conclusion that the reason Victoria was having this struggle with germs was because of how I told her that if she didn’t wash her hands, her eye would continue to get infected.
My heart sank.
Immediately I was overcome with guilt and sadness that I, as her mother, could inflict this kind of mental torture onto my daughter that got her to a place where she literally couldn’t buckle her seat belt because it had germs, or hold my hand when crossing the street because I had germs or touch ANY doors ever because they had germs. All I could think of was how it was ALL. MY. FAULT. I find that I come to this conclusion a lot. Thankfully, I also hear Gods voice a lot so He snaps me out of this ridiculous mindset pretty quickly.
Now that I knew the cause of the problem though, I had tools to fix it. I knew that I needed to apologize to her for scaring her and that I needed to explain once again how germs can actually be good for our body and what a healthy amount of hand washing looks like, etc. After doing that it definitely got better. Her meltdowns went from about four or five times a day to one or two and then every other and then a couple each week and then they eventually fizzled out.
Thank you Jesus.
But once again, unfortunately, that was still not the end of this story. About half way through First grade I started to notice her getting a little sensitive once again. It started with her just kind of pulling away from me and retreating when I would go to touch her and then it moved into her starting to ask me to wash my hands before touching her. And then it came back completely, ten fold. It. Was. Awful. It was absolutely debilitating to her … and me. She would wake up in the morning and first thing, have her fingers spread out as far as she could get them from each other and immediately tell me that her hands were dirty and that she needed to wash them right away. She would use toilet paper and tissues and baby wipes to touch ANYTHING. She would get devastated if I physically picked out her outfit in the morning or helped her get dressed because my dirty hands touched the outfit and that was going to get her dirty. Her teacher would send me messages to let me know that she got up in the middle of class seven times that day just to wash her hands and she would tell me that she was noticing that her hands were starting to dry and crack.
I was hopeless. I was heartbroken. I was so lost and had no clue what to even say to God when asking for help. I would just cry. I felt numb.
I finally decided to start going to see a counselor to get advice on how to help her through this whole process and boy did that help! I am so thankful for good counselors.
Up until this point I would try to logically explain to her why her requests were unreasonable and I would try to explain to her that everything would be OK and tell her that germs weren’t completely bad. But once I started processing with my counselor I realized that logic wasn’t going to help the situation. While the little talk about the bump on her eye and washing her hands may have been the original onset, something else was causing it this time. It was control. She felt completely out of control.
Once again, mostly, completely, definitely came from me. But like I said, my Heavenly Father covers me like no body’s business so He already had a plan for how to reconcile this situation.
In my quiet time with Him I realized that for a period of time, I needed to just let her do what she felt she needed to do. If she felt like she was dirty, I would let her strip down and take a bath. If she felt like my hands were dirty, I would wash them when she asked and how she asked. I sent her to school with some hand sanitizer and lotion for her desk so she wouldn’t have to get up as much and I just hoped that eventually she would feel more in control and it would hopefully work itself out. While I think that was a great first step, I know that the Lord was definitely inviting me into something so much deeper in this area so I kept asking Him, “OK what do I do now?” he had me letting her control the situation for probably about two weeks and then one morning I felt a shift. We were getting ready in the morning for school and she had touched an iguana the night before and went to bed mid melt down so she woke up and just continued the torture in the morning. I started by trying to let her control the situation but quickly realized that her requests that morning were just too much for the amount of time we had. She wanted me to use a baby wipe and wipe down my whole body and all of the things that I had touched that morning because I had touched the faucet that she used the night before after touching the iguana and didn’t use toilet paper to turn it off. I know. It was as awful as it sounds. I broke down. I started to cry and I just asked the Lord to tell me what to do because I had no clue. I was just so done.
And then I clearly heard Him say, “You need to take the control back and show her that she can trust you” and I knew that it was time for me to force her hand. It was literally one of the saddest most horrific things I’ve had to do as a mom. I grabbed her clothes and told her to come to me and she came over TERRIFIED knowing that I was going to force her to put the clothes on that she knew were so dirty from my disgusting hands. I talked calmly to her and told her that I loved her and that it was going to be alright and then I put each piece of clothing on her all the while she was screaming bloody murder as if I were completely violating her whole body. I cannot even begin to put into words how horrible it was. But I knew that I was doing the right thing in that moment. Once the clothes were on her she sank into my arms and just cried for like ten minutes straight and I felt the fear break off of her.
I realized after the whole experience that she needed different things at different times and the only way that I knew what those things were was by being in constant communication with the one who created her, who knows every little detail of her heart and soul. He was my only hope. When I was failing completely and absolutely hopeless, He knew, every time. He always knows. He’s so good.
She wound up having probably about three or maybe four more little episodes before they fizzled out for good. Each time she needed me to respond differently, but each time I clearly heard the voice of God tell me how to respond and I did.
Once again I am so thankful for my God. I don’t know how anyone does this parenting thing without Him. I honestly don’t. I truly feel so cared for and loved every time I have to push through another difficult mom moment. He always knows exactly what she needs and then on top of teaching me to meet her needs, He still finds someway to meet mine. I hope this blesses you in someway and that you leave this post feeling encouraged that whatever trial you might be facing with your little right now, that He knows exactly how they were created and He knows exactly what their little hearts need and how to help you get there. I hope you leave knowing that you can hear his voice and. that you leave overwhelmed with His unconditional love and grace for you as a parent and as a human.
Christie Zahner 